It’s hard to feel centred when your world feels unbalanced.

I’m at an interesting point in my life where I have an overwhelming air of existential dread hanging over me and it feels like the comfort zone I’ve built for myself is about to be pulled out from under me. It’s hard to imagine what life will look like for me in the next year or so and it’s not a feeling that sits well with me.

I think we all like feeling like we have a sanctuary that we can safely say is ‘ours’, a secure base from which we can derive a sense of consistency and control in spite of all the other uncertainty the world can and will offer us. When that foundation is shaken, the vibrations reverberate throughout everything else.

So what do I want? What am I whinging about?

Honestly, I just like being warm.

I mean, existentially warm, psychologically cosy, the quietly burning embers of contentment and a general feeling of wholesomeness. I like this life goal because it feels like it can manifest in all kinds of different ways. It could be a little flat with a nice warm carpet or it could be a suburban house… with a nice warm carpet. I can get there following a whole bunch of different roads and still be successful at the end. That feels like a lot less pressure than having just one vision of what the future should look like (as long as that future has a nice warm carpet of course).

I’ve said it before that I used to think I wanted this mental life of luxury, but as I get older I realise I just want something nice. I feel like I can get there, but the waters just ahead are rocky. It’s difficult when you’re in the storm to see the shore, so you just need to remember that it’s there and not course-correct yourself in the opposite direction.

That wouldn’t be cosy for anybody.

I’ve chosen Baby by Four Tet because everyone else has been adding Four Tet tracks and I wanted to be part of the club and also I’ve spent the whole of this little escapade whining like a little baby so why not ey? I’m nothing if not consistent.

Image credit: Francis Nie on Unsplash